The motherly, protective instinct strikes me harder on some days than others. Tonight, it's in full force.
Maybe it has to do with nothing, or maybe it has to do with the task of the week: choosing a preschool.
I remember when we moved to Jonesboro, Olivia was 9 months old. How is it time for this already??? I feel like it was just a couple of days ago that she was moving into her big girl room. I find myself surprised that something I thought happened last year actually happened two years ago. Time is going so very fast and I worry that I'm not making the best of it.
Worry. It's what the Devil uses most frequently to keep me from walking as close as I'd like to with God. I'm a worrier by nature and as the girls get older, I find myself worrying about more and more.
My biggest worry as a parent (and as a person) is that I will do everything the best I can and it still won't be enough. That I will make all of the right choices, say the right things, and somewhere along the line, everything goes wrong.
I think about the times when the girls go out on their own and the choices they will make. Will they be the right ones? Will I have even given them the tools to make these choices? What do these magical tools even consist of?
What about the days when they go to school, not old enough to care for themselves and I'm untrusting their safety to someone that, in all honesty, I don't even know.
I have toured 5, yes 5, preschools looking for 'the right fit.' In all honesty, I don't even know what I'm really looking for. Anyone can put on a good face for a tour, but what's it like after I leave. I now see why people homeschool.
Can they just stay home with me. Forever. I'll arrange your marriages and when you have babies I can provide free babysitting. No, that's OBVIOUSLY not right. What is?
How do you parents out there let go? How do you do it? Specifically, how do you make it through the teen years and not have that moment where you feel like you did all you could, but Suzie did xyz, anyway?
I'm terrified of xyz. Mostly because xyz probably hasn't been invented yet just like Snapchat wasn't even thought of when I was in high school. How do we prepare our children for things that don't even exist as we slowly become old farts that can't work the remote control??
I usually like to wrap things up on a positive note with a pretty bow to make everyone feel good inside. Tonight, it's just not in me. I really don't have the answer to any of these questions. Just worry. Worry and doubt. Protecting and caring for God's most precious gifts is something I will never take lightly.
Goodnight all.....
Blessings to you, Devon! I wish there were guarantees in parenting, but sadly, there are none. I wish I had some great words to say, too, but I don't. Life is difficult, and our children become their own people with their own minds and opinions and dreams and desires. And that really is as it should be - because God lets us have that for ourselves. And even when we drift, He is always there watching and guiding like the Good Shepherd that He is. Our children are His, only loaned to us to parent and nurture and teach and love and all the wonderful things great moms and dads do - and He loves them much more than we ever could. May you, may we all, find peace to replace and displace worry - you deserve a peaceful heart. You're a beautiful person.
ReplyDeleteThese fears are why I put mine in pre-school. Claire was only 1 but she was severely allergic to peanuts (still is) and was very clingy. I knew if we didn't both get accustomed to being apart for just a couple of days a week, we'd never make it when kindergarten started! Plus, I had to learn to trust someone else to take care of her other than myself. So, that's how we started...2 days a week at St. Mark's. I'm not going to lie. It was hard at first. But, I'm so glad I did it. Both of my children now have a sense of independence which I am very thankful for and they both have friends that they have known since before they can even remember. Those preschool bonds have been pretty amazing. I actually fell in love with St. Mark's and its teachers. Sometimes you just have to let go and trust that God has this. I used to say to Todd, "Why can't they just stay little?". And, he would reply, "Because then something would be wrong with them." God's plan is for them to grow up an for us to let them go. It's still hard for me...I have less than 2 1/2 years left with my Claire Bear at home and less than 5 1/2 with Tenison. Some days, that's too much for me to bear and I cry and cry. But, I am also thankful that God let them be such a big part of my life and I wouldn't change it. I miss them being little but I am so proud of the kids they are growing up to be. I still worry, of course....just gave them a lecture on the way to school this morning about not going places alone and how Claire needed to be aware of all kinds of situations in college and that Tenison did not need to be that boy who tries to control his girlfriend...all lessons that I worry I haven't given enough. But, that's all I can do: try to teach them...and give them my ever lasting, unconditional love! Just keep going - you'll get through it! Amy Roscoe
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