The motherly, protective instinct strikes me harder on some days than others. Tonight, it's in full force.
Maybe it has to do with nothing, or maybe it has to do with the task of the week: choosing a preschool.
I remember when we moved to Jonesboro, Olivia was 9 months old. How is it time for this already??? I feel like it was just a couple of days ago that she was moving into her big girl room. I find myself surprised that something I thought happened last year actually happened two years ago. Time is going so very fast and I worry that I'm not making the best of it.
Worry. It's what the Devil uses most frequently to keep me from walking as close as I'd like to with God. I'm a worrier by nature and as the girls get older, I find myself worrying about more and more.
My biggest worry as a parent (and as a person) is that I will do everything the best I can and it still won't be enough. That I will make all of the right choices, say the right things, and somewhere along the line, everything goes wrong.
I think about the times when the girls go out on their own and the choices they will make. Will they be the right ones? Will I have even given them the tools to make these choices? What do these magical tools even consist of?
What about the days when they go to school, not old enough to care for themselves and I'm untrusting their safety to someone that, in all honesty, I don't even know.
I have toured 5, yes 5, preschools looking for 'the right fit.' In all honesty, I don't even know what I'm really looking for. Anyone can put on a good face for a tour, but what's it like after I leave. I now see why people homeschool.
Can they just stay home with me. Forever. I'll arrange your marriages and when you have babies I can provide free babysitting. No, that's OBVIOUSLY not right. What is?
How do you parents out there let go? How do you do it? Specifically, how do you make it through the teen years and not have that moment where you feel like you did all you could, but Suzie did xyz, anyway?
I'm terrified of xyz. Mostly because xyz probably hasn't been invented yet just like Snapchat wasn't even thought of when I was in high school. How do we prepare our children for things that don't even exist as we slowly become old farts that can't work the remote control??
I usually like to wrap things up on a positive note with a pretty bow to make everyone feel good inside. Tonight, it's just not in me. I really don't have the answer to any of these questions. Just worry. Worry and doubt. Protecting and caring for God's most precious gifts is something I will never take lightly.