The Mommy Wars

Transitioning from a multitasking, working, ambitious, competitive twenty something to a diaper changing, baby food making, my shoulder looks like a dinner napkin, what is this thing you speak of called a hair straightener stay at home mom has been anything but effortless. In the beginning, everything is new and exciting and you have big plans about the perfect meals you will cook and how your child will be speaking Chinese mandarin at 9months old. Then reality hits and you realize that things probably aren't going to work out just like you expected; at least that's how it has worked for me.
I have had my fair share of days where I long to have an adult conversation and wonder what I would look like these days if I put the same effort into getting ready as I used to. All of these things have been just daydreaming until I stumbled upon an immediate counselor position here in Jonesboro. And there I was again: right in the middle of the mommy wars.
The mommy wars are what I like to call the struggle that moms face when it comes to working or staying home with your children. In many cases, working or staying at home comes from necessity and you just do what you've got to do. Those moms are rock stars in my book because they take one for the team and get the job done, whether it be at work or home. I, on the other hand, was blessed to be able to pick.
Ultimately it is a blessing, but having the freedom to choose comes with its own set of demons. There's nothing out there that makes you feel more warm and fuzzy than running into one of the drug reps you used to sell aginst in full mom-mode: no make up, hair in a bun (not a cute sock bun), and trying to hang on to a baby that is acting like a greased pig at a rodeo. After my best attempt to glamorize my new role as a human burp cloth I get the reaction I feared and dreaded, "Oh." Two little letters but based on the tone she might as well have made an 'L' with her fingers, popped it on her forehead, and said 'loser!' Actually, the thought that came to mind was, "She thinks I'm a failure." As I was walking away from my manicured, designer labeled former competition, I told myself she had no clue but I secretly wondered if she was right.
On the other side of things are the people that I have inadvertently surrounded myself with here in Jonesboro: other stay at home moms. Whether it's story time at the library, the Facebook comments or pictures that I choose to like, or even my 9 am Crossfit class, I am around people who are continuously giving me examples of how staying at home has been the best thing for their families. Needless to say, the second crowd is much more enjoyable to be around at this point in my life.
With all of that said, here I am at an impass: apply for the job and potentially get back out among the living or stay at home and continue on the path to bottle washing oblivion. While part of me was excited about finally putting my masters degree that I worked so hard for to use, another part of me (bigger than I'd like to admit) was dreading telling the stay at home moms the news and getting the dreaded 'oh' from them. Only this time it would mean, "You don't care enough about your family to sacrifice your wants for them." Darned if you do and darned if you don't in my opinion.
At the end of the day and after lots of praying I realized that for me the real war is an internal one I'm fighting with myself as my definition of value and self-worth continues to change. In the end, I decided not to apply for the job. As bad as my seize the day personality tried to get the best of me I know I will never get these days back wih Olivia and if we don't have another, I won't even get a do over. This was hard post for me to write but I hope on the days that are the most chaotic I can look back at this and remember why I'm soaked with splashed bath water and still have my pajamas on at 3:30 in the afternoon.
As a side note, I do still have some of my drug rep clothes, but for now they are staying in the back of the closet as far way from the craziness as possible.

Craziness is much easier to deal with when it's this cute!

Oh, Hello Blog!

It has been so long since I have been on my blog that I literally forgot I had one- oops! Well, that is until a friend that doesn't have Facebook gave me the third degree about my lack of interest in her 'only way to see the baby.'

So here is goes: yet another attempt to be more diligent in my blogging abilities. I make no promises about my frequency but I will promise that my posts will be much shorter and probably have more typos haha!

It's so frustrating for me to set out to do something me it not work out like I had planned. The only thing I can't stand more is not being in control. Let me tell you; God is using motherhood to stretch me in this area on a daily basis. He has given me a bald, toothless version of myself to mold and shape into what I pray will be a Godly young lady and, hopefully, a Christian woman. There is nothing that will whip you into shape quicker than seeing your sweet precious child exhibit some of your less than stellar qualities. In my case, I have a child with a temper and determination that is rivaled by no one.....except me. There are times where I'm so glad she can't talk because I know I'd have to get onto her for wherever that jibber jabber was that just came out of her mouth! Self reflection has always been an important part of my spiritual life. I never dreamed that the thing that would force me to take the longest look at myself would come in the tiniest of packages. I'll leave you with a little Olivia cuteness. Have a blessed day!