I have had my fair share of days where I long to have an adult conversation and wonder what I would look like these days if I put the same effort into getting ready as I used to. All of these things have been just daydreaming until I stumbled upon an immediate counselor position here in Jonesboro. And there I was again: right in the middle of the mommy wars.
The mommy wars are what I like to call the struggle that moms face when it comes to working or staying home with your children. In many cases, working or staying at home comes from necessity and you just do what you've got to do. Those moms are rock stars in my book because they take one for the team and get the job done, whether it be at work or home. I, on the other hand, was blessed to be able to pick.
Ultimately it is a blessing, but having the freedom to choose comes with its own set of demons. There's nothing out there that makes you feel more warm and fuzzy than running into one of the drug reps you used to sell aginst in full mom-mode: no make up, hair in a bun (not a cute sock bun), and trying to hang on to a baby that is acting like a greased pig at a rodeo. After my best attempt to glamorize my new role as a human burp cloth I get the reaction I feared and dreaded, "Oh." Two little letters but based on the tone she might as well have made an 'L' with her fingers, popped it on her forehead, and said 'loser!' Actually, the thought that came to mind was, "She thinks I'm a failure." As I was walking away from my manicured, designer labeled former competition, I told myself she had no clue but I secretly wondered if she was right.
On the other side of things are the people that I have inadvertently surrounded myself with here in Jonesboro: other stay at home moms. Whether it's story time at the library, the Facebook comments or pictures that I choose to like, or even my 9 am Crossfit class, I am around people who are continuously giving me examples of how staying at home has been the best thing for their families. Needless to say, the second crowd is much more enjoyable to be around at this point in my life.
With all of that said, here I am at an impass: apply for the job and potentially get back out among the living or stay at home and continue on the path to bottle washing oblivion. While part of me was excited about finally putting my masters degree that I worked so hard for to use, another part of me (bigger than I'd like to admit) was dreading telling the stay at home moms the news and getting the dreaded 'oh' from them. Only this time it would mean, "You don't care enough about your family to sacrifice your wants for them." Darned if you do and darned if you don't in my opinion.
At the end of the day and after lots of praying I realized that for me the real war is an internal one I'm fighting with myself as my definition of value and self-worth continues to change. In the end, I decided not to apply for the job. As bad as my seize the day personality tried to get the best of me I know I will never get these days back wih Olivia and if we don't have another, I won't even get a do over. This was hard post for me to write but I hope on the days that are the most chaotic I can look back at this and remember why I'm soaked with splashed bath water and still have my pajamas on at 3:30 in the afternoon.
As a side note, I do still have some of my drug rep clothes, but for now they are staying in the back of the closet as far way from the craziness as possible.
Craziness is much easier to deal with when it's this cute!
No comments:
Post a Comment